Stories and Stuff

Calcifer · **Posted:** Tue Feb 19, 2008 9:59 pm

There is another typo in the third paragraph, third line (withouth should be without).

Flow wise, I think you might look at the third and sixth paragraphs again, but the song is fine as is.

Thanks for sharing

Lambert · **Posted:** Tue Feb 19, 2008 10:20 pm

I might share one of my poems.. but I don't like it all that much, so I'm not sure.

Calcifer · **Posted:** Tue Feb 19, 2008 10:22 pm

You are probably your own worst critic.

Lambert · **Posted:** Tue Feb 19, 2008 10:34 pm

I think that that's pretty much a general rule. Hell. I'll put it up. You can go ahead and tell me if I'm looking down on it too far.

Quote:

Carry Your Love Away
February 11, 2008

Ah, but to think
I still think of you;
Waiting outside the closed door,
Tears slowly rolling to the floor.

Tempted beyond fortunate fate:
Longing only for another embrace;
The stillness of the night conveys
The silence of my forgetful love.

Never living up to expectation:
Fruitless hours working, preparing;
Understandably unnoticed until now.
Carry your love away.

Bitter hours spent frozen in gloom,
Throat locks up in unwelcome doom;
Feeling happy is but a shadow past.
Sleep well, sweet prince.

It's about a woman thinking about things on the verge of getting a divorce.

Calcifer · **Posted:** Tue Feb 19, 2008 10:39 pm

First paragraph and the first three lines of the rest flow wonderfully, but when I read it, the flow seemed to snag on those last lines.

Good poem

Lambert · **Posted:** Tue Feb 19, 2008 10:40 pm

I've never been good at making things flow. I'm working on it as I go.

Mrs Lovett · **Joined:** Sun Feb 10, 2008 2:43 pm **Posts:** 17

lambert wrote:

Second paragraph, second line: "A lie cam to you" -- you meant 'came', right?

Pretty good. You really like the Silent Hill soundtrack, don't you?

haha yeah. <3 SH

Trampstamp · **Posted:** Wed Feb 20, 2008 7:28 pm

Decent work, Mrs Lovett. I like it actually.

Lambert, parts of that poem flow and others drag it down a bit. The few slant ryhmes don't really agree with the regular rhymes.

Lambert · **Posted:** Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:26 pm

What can I say, I like slant rhymes.

Trampstamp · **Posted:** Sat Feb 23, 2008 10:08 pm

Slant rhymes are lovely, but they are finicky.
There is no pattern with them and the regular rhymes in you poem, thats was I think is off.

The human mind sees everything in patterns if it can help, it makes analyzing easier.

Lambert · **Posted:** Sat Feb 23, 2008 10:48 pm

Hmm. I'm not really one for patterns, personally.

Mrs Lovett · **Joined:** Sun Feb 10, 2008 2:43 pm **Posts:** 17

Lol yeah

Thanks

Lambert · **Posted:** Tue Feb 26, 2008 9:52 pm

So Lovett, what are you working on these days?

Mrs Lovett · **Joined:** Sun Feb 10, 2008 2:43 pm **Posts:** 17

Righ tnow, I'm just butchering 'Promise'.. the song I posted up here a few weeks ago. I was up almost to midnight last night trying to work the kinks out. Now I'm afraid its become too personal. I mean, I did draw on a real life experience but wanted to work some aspects of Silent Hill into it since thats where the actual music came from; I just supply lyrics. But I'm not sure. ...

Lambert · **Posted:** Mon Apr 07, 2008 10:46 pm

Well, keep on working on it. I'm sure that you'll get it to a state where you find that you really like it.

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